It seemed like only yesterday..

i received the phone call which made my world fell apart. It was the day that i lost someone very close to my heart.

I still remember clearly, the morning of 14th February 2001. I was working as usual and was so looking forward to celebrating my 1st Valentine's Day (time tu zaman jahiliyah) later that evening with Mr A until i received a phone call from my close friend who told me that my ex-bf whom i knew for almost 8 years has passed away early that morning.

Some people may say "why do i have to care about an ex?" Well, eventhough we were not together anymore, we became close friends and he was already like a part of my family.

14th February will always be a sad day for me but it is also the day where i knew i have found my true love. Mr A was my bf back then and we were only together for less than 6 months but the sacrifice that he showed on that day was enough for me to know that he's the one for me. On that day, he took me and my mum to see my ex- bf's remains at UH's mortuary and then to my ex-bf's parents' house for his funeral, which during all those times i was bawling my eyes out.

I don't think any other men would want to see their gf cry over another man. He was really calm and stayed with me until the end of the day and even until today, he would understand if i were to be a bit emotional on 14 February. In a way, it's like a blessing in disguise bcoz we never celebrated Valentine's Day.

Today marks the 10th year of his passing and after 10 years of lost contact, earlier tonite i received a facebook mail (as above image) from his sister which made me cry after reading it. My mum cried too after i forwarded it to her.
A lot can happen in 10 years. A baby who was born 10 years ago is already in standard 2 primary school today. A couple who got married 10 years ago could be celebrating their 10 years wedding anniversary today. 10 years is a long time but the memory of 14th February 2001 is still fresh in my mind. I always wonder how it would be like if he was still around. What would he look like, how many kids would he have or will we still be friends? If he was still here, he would be 33yo end of March but he is not here anymore and all i can do is send him du'as and read Al-Fatihah/ Yaasin.

Rest in peace Amirul Mazli.

May Allah bless your soul always.

Splendid Saturday

Working moms who say that they don't need 'me' time are actually quite wrong bcoz when you work, that is considered as your 'me' time bcoz you get to see your colleagues, have breakfast, lunch, tea breaks and sometimes go shopping during office hours. Which is why when you come home from work, all you want to do is spend all the time that you have with your children.

As for me, I 'work' 24 hours, 7 days a week so 'me' time is very important to keep me sane. My definition of 'me' time is to just be away from my children for a few hours at least once a week and i am very fortunate to have such an understanding husband to take care of them while i'm away.

So, earlier today i spent my 'me' time with my closest friend Dydy. We decided to have a pot luck breakfast. I cooked asam pedas on Friday night and brought it to her house this morning and she cooked fried rice. After breakfast we just talked and watched tv. It was good to talk to an adult (other than Mr A) bcoz i spend most of my time with a kid and a toddler. Later in the afternoon we went to have some froyo at Tutti Frutti Taman Tun.

The above picture of Plaza VADS is where i used to work for 9 years. Taman Tun will always be dear to my heart bcoz that is where i started working and it was also where i met Mr A. Even Luq's 1st day care was at Taman Tun. That's why i always feel a bit sentimental when i'm in Taman Tun.

Froyo with the Nawi sisters :)

Thanks a lot for your time my friend. Eventhough we practically did nothing today but it was the best 'me' time i ever had.

Monday blues

* Picture googled

It's 3rd January and the 1st Monday of 2011, which means kids are back to school and most people have started working. Today, as i went through twitter and fb, i couldn't help feeling sad reading friends' tweets and statuses about sending their children to school bcoz we are unable to send Luq to school yet this year. He turned 4yo last August and by right he should be going to a pre-school this year but due to our financial situation he'll have to wait.

2010 has been the toughest year for us but we are very grateful that we are still surviving until today. No one knows what we are really going through except for our parents. I have been applying for jobs for quite some time now but have yet to receive any good news. There are times when i feel like giving up but after prayers, i always feel that Allah has plans for me and only He knows what's best. In the meantime, I'm enjoying all the time i have with Luq and Leia bcoz i never know when i may start work again. Luq may not be going to a pre-school this year but this doesn't mean that he couldn't learn. I'll have to be his teacher for now and i'll bet i'm going to be his best teacher in the whole world.

Almost an end

Syawal is just around the corner and i'm already missing Ramadhan. I don't know why but after 32 years, i feel like this year i really appreciate Ramadhan. I juz hope that all my religious worships during Ramadhan will be accepted and blessed by Allah swt and that i will become a better person after this. InsyaAllah.

Club Med Cherating

Mr A and i have been planning a beach retreat since May and our favourite destination is of course the east coast of Malaysia. We were in the midst of deciding which hotel/ resort to stay when he 'bbm'ed me one May afternoon to inform that he had juz got out from a staff meeting and his MD announced that they're going to organise a 3D2N company trip to Cherating in July. The best part is that we'll be staying in Club Med! Since that day onwards i started to count the days to our all expense paid vacation. Weeeee!

30th July finally came. The agenda was for everyone to meet at the first check point which was McDonalds Genting Sempah and once everyone was there, drive and meet at the next check point which is after the Jabor toll and convoy to Club Med Cherating. We reached Club Med around 2pm and were greeted by their G.O team. I forgot what G.O stands for but they're like the events co-ordinators. We were then led to the reception area where we were served welcome drinks and were briefed on the resort's facilities and activities. After that, we went to our respective rooms and were required to gather at the theatre by 3.30pm where there will be a tele-match cum ice breaking session.

It took us about 5mins walk from the reception area to our room bcoz it was quite a distance and we reached our room around 2.45pm so we had some time to unpack. The room was not as i expected as it was so simple and the bathroom was rather small. I think it was the cheapest room in the resort as it was all paid by Mr A's company. As the saying says "beggars can't be choosers". Juz be grateful with what you have. But overall the room was juz fine bcoz we were spending most of our time outdoor. There was a king sized bed, a single bed and a baby cot ready. Although Mr A said he did not request for a baby cot but i guess when the company made the bookings, Club Med will automatically provide a baby cot in your room if you have a child under 2yo, which i find very proactive.

I guess Luq and Leia were also very happy to be away from home once in a while.

Once we've settled unpacking, we went to meet the others at the theatre. That was when Leia said she wanted to poopoo so i had to wait for her while Mr A and Luq went first. As Leia and i were walking towards the theatre, we bumped into the group who were walking towards the field near the archery area. Before the tele-match started, we got to know each other (all the other staff's wives and children). The tele-match took about 1 hour and after that we were brought to the snacks area. One of the many things that i loved about Club Med is that you will NEVER be hungry bcoz the package includes accomodation and food throughout the day and evening. There's breakfast, lunch, te-time snacks and dinner. Not to forget the open bar drinks where you can request any drinks (juices & soft drinks) u like at anytime.

After having some snacks (sandwiches & french fries), we headed back to our room. While most of the other families decided to go to the beach or swimming pool, we opted to stay in so that the kids can rest. We went to dinner after maghrib and i was really thrilled to see the variety of food which were served. I had mini lobsters (take note on the plural), sushi, grilled lamb and not to forget the yummy desserts. I didn't even capture any photos bcoz i was too busy eating. Hehehe.
After dinner, we wanted to see the magic show at the theatre but we were a bit late so it was already full. Every night, there will be a variety of performances in the theatre. Since we were still tired from the travelling, we went back to our room and planned to explore the whole place the next day.

Once back in the room, we fooled around in front of the camera for a while and watched tv.

Luq and Leia getting ready to sleep.

The next morning, we went for breakfast around 8am. Eventhough it was a company trip but everyone were allowed to have their own activities. The only time the whole group were together was during the tele-match. So, after breakfast Mr A and i brought Luq and Leia to the Ohana Cabana. One of the many Club Med's attractions is the Mini Kids Club where you can leave your children (aged 4yo & above) at the mini club and they will be taken care by the G.Os with a day full of fun activities so that the parents could spend more time together and join the all day activities organised by Club Med. Eventhough Luq is almost 4yo but he's not the type who listens to instructions yet, so we didn't register him for the mini club. Since there was no one at the Ohana Cabana when we reached there, Luq and Leia got to enjoy the place all to themselves.

After about an hour at the Ohana Cabana, we decided to go back to the room and change to our swimming attire and hit the pool. By the time we reached the swimming pool, it was already 11+am and the sun was smiling right above our heads. Luq and Leia were more than happy to jump into the pool and play.

The above photo was a pool game where a G.O stands on a surf board and whoever can knock him down will win a prize but no one managed to do so. He was real calm when people knocked him a few times as though his feet were glued to the surf board. It was really entertaining bcoz the people who knocked him are the ones who fell into the water. Hehehe.

As it was getting too hot, we went back to our room to bathe and went for lunch. Around 3pm after lunch, a few of Mr A's colleagues invited him to try out archery. So off we went to the archery area.

While waiting for the others to come, Mr A decided that we take the train to the beach juz to check it out. We could also walk to the beach but riding the train seems to be more fun. So off we went on the choo choo train. Luq and Leia were so excited.

The beach did not have milky white sand but it was very clean and the water was clear too. Since it was an unplanned trip to the beach, we didn't have our swimming gears on so we juz walked on the beach and let Luq and Leia play with the sand. We planned to come back later in the evening when it's not too hot.

When we reached our room, Luq and Leia were already exhausted from waking up early and playing at the Ohana Cabana and swimming pool that they slept after drinking their milk. By 6pm they were still asleep and i knew that we'll not be able to go to the beach again and it rained that evening.

We went for our last dinner at Club Med that night and i was hoping to have some more of the mini lobsters but they served different foods which nevertheless were still delicious. I had scallops, prawns, steamboat and more desserts. Remembering all those food makes me hugry. Another thing that makes Club Med special is that they're G.Os eat together with the patrons so that there is a special bond between the resort and the patrons. I can't imagine how the G.Os looked slim and fit when they actually get to eat delicious food everyday. I guess they must go to the gym everyday too.

Since it was our last nite at Club Med, Mr A and i decided that we spend time a little longer at the bar area and take photos bcoz we don't know when we'll get the chance to come back. It was already almost 11pm and the kids were getting restless so we decided to retreat to our room. Check-out time the next day was at noon so we have to leave the room by 12pm but can still stay until after lunch. Lunch was also provided on the departure day, which was why i said earlier that you will never be hungry.

The next morning, the plan was to have a quick breakfast, spend a while at the beach, the swimming pool, pack our things and get ready to leave the room before noon. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the train station, we waited until 9.15am but the train did not come to take us to the beach and we didn't know how far we had to walk to the beach. We didn't want to waste time waiting for the train so we juz went to the pool instead. Luq and Leia really enjoyed the pool that they didn't want to leave.

Once we reached our room, it was already 10.30am and we had about less than two hours to pack and get ready to leave. Luckily, Mr A and i have packed everything the night before and only left the clothes that we were going to wear the next day. We left our room around 11.45am and headed to the reception area. Lunch was only ready at 12.30am so after returning our room key, we sat at the open bar area and took more photos.

After lunch, we finally said goodbye to Club Med Cherating.

The above is a photo of me and Soey, the G.O who was in charge of our group.

Mr A stopped outside the guard post to take photos. One of the many things i learned when you're travelling with kids, EVERYTHING is about them. Eventhough Mr A and i had some tough times during our holiday when both kids wanted to poopoo during dinner and nap when we were supposed to be trying out as many activities as we can, we will cherish every moment that we spent with them bcoz one day they will not want to follow us anywhere. We hope to come again when the kids are older so that Mr A and i could enjoy more. InsyaAllah.

31 no more

I feel very grateful for being able to still breathe each day i wake up in the morning but today i am extra gratefull bcoz i get to celebrate my 32nd birthday. Not to celebrate as in throwing a party but to celebrate another year of life.

Juz like last year, midnite last nite i was 'surprised' again by Mr A when he led me to our dining area with 4 cakes + 5 candles (3 big ones + 2 small ones). I knew earlier that he had brought home cakes when he came back with a paper bag and straight away went to the kitchen. I didn't ask him anything as i didn't want to spoil his surprise. I want to be surprised by not knowing what cakes he bought.

Luq n Leia was still awake last nite so they sang me a birthday song and helped me blow out the candles. Mr A was a bit dissapointed bcoz his 'surprise' didn't work out like last year but i told him cake or no cake, it doesn't matter to me. All that matters is i am surrounded with people who matters the most to me. However, i'm still waiting for that red velvet though *wink*

Safety first

Myself n Mr A are very concerned of our children's safety in d car which is why Luq n Leia were trained to sit in their car seats since they were babies. Luq had always loved being in his car seat n nowadays he would scream "Eh! X pakai seatbelt lg!" each time i forgot to fasten his seatbelt. Leia however, was a bit difficult coz she easily becomes restless n couldn't stop squirming in her car seat. However, we didn't give up n eventhough she still squirms in her car seat once in a while, she's actually used to it already.

It's not only safe when they're all buckled up in their car seat/ booster seat but it actually makes driving/ travelling much easier once they are trained from small. I couldn't imagine myself travelling long distance n having to hold Luq or Leia. Must be tiring. In d US, u're not even allowed to bring home ur newborn if u don't hv a car seat installed in ur car. But then again, it comes back to people's mentality n culture. Not to forget d cost of buying a car seat which is not cheap. I always feel blessed n grateful whenever i see a child sitting between their parents on a motorcycle. Eventhough we are not rich but we could still afford to provide d basic necessities for our children.

Leia will be turning 16mo tomorrow n her current car seat/ baby carrier was getting too small for her as she's entered d age where she likes to explore d scenery while in d car. Therefore, it was time for us to buy her a new car seat. I have been browsing d Babyjaya website (d prices are quite reasonable compared to Planete Enfants) for months n showed Mr A d car seats which were within our budget. So off we went to Babyjaya in Ampang. Unfortunately, d branch in Ampang was smaller than d one in DU so there were limited choices. There was only 1 brand which was within our budget but luckily they had d color dat we wanted. As soon as we purchased d car seat, Mr A straight away installed it in d car n Leia instantly loved it.

The above photo is how our car looks from d inside. Before dis, Leia sits in front coz her old baby carrier was rear facing n Luq at d back but now Luq is d co- pilot while Leia sits at d back with me. If we were to hv additional members (children) in our family, Mr A needs to work really hard so dat he could buy us a MPV. At d moment, no MPV means no baby ;)

It's been a while

Yup. It's been a while since i updated dis blog. I guess i've been too occupied with other things but as promised to myself, i won't abandone dis blog. In fact, d last entry on aquaria was only posted today but i've actually drafted it 3 days ago. What hv i been doing lately? Nothing much, d same old routines as a sahm but since Mr A has gone back to work, my time in front of d laptop is limited these days n i never get to sit in front of d laptop at night coz i'm juz too tired.

Mr A is now in charge of a new project in his company n although he leaves d house around 10am in d mornings, he only comes back home around 9.30pm almost everyday. By d time he bathes, eats n throws out d trash, it was time for Luq n Leia to sleep. Usually, i would bring d kids to sleep around 11pm n doze off too but sometimes, i would wake up once they are asleep juz to spend time with Mr A. He's been working really hard dat sometimes when d kids are asleep, he would switch on his laptop n reply e-mails. He will only go to sleep around 2am. I juz miss d time when Mr A was always around but one can never be too selfish. I can't get everything dat i want. There must be sacrifices.

I'm currently trying to find out how to update my blog from my BlackBerry so dat i don't hv to wait till i hv d time to sit in front of d laptop to update it. Nowadays, everything's on d go. Juz wait for my next entry via mobile *wink*

My World

Dis blog is meant for me to express my feelings about my life and i don't have any intention to seek sympathy from anyone reading (as if anyone's reading.. haha). I'm merely sharing my experience, be it happy or sad and it makes me feel better having to write it down. Some days i may feel down or angry and some days i may feel very happy. Dis is My World after all :)

Helpless or pathetic?

Today i felt something dat i never knew i could ever felt before. The sight n smell of it all. It really made me sick. Sick dat i actually regretted following Mr A. Why do i have these feelings? Am i not normal or juz being too 'mengada2'? I even almost cried when i reached home. This was what i felt when going to KLCC dis afternoon. I know i sound pathetic but dis was what i felt.

It has been a few months since i'd gone to any malls. In fact, i think it has been almost a year since i ever bought anything for myself. These days i would juz avoid going to d malls coz it juz hurts me to not being able to buy anything for me or for my kids. I juz feel helpless. I am not a shopaholic but i am still a woman and i believe all women who goes to d mall must at least hold a paper bag when they leave d mall.

Nowadays it's all about Luq n Leia. I don't care if i don't get to buy new clothes or shoes. I juz know dat someday i will hv back d spending power but until then, i'll juz have to be strong.

Forever n ever

I still remember d day i met Mr A. It was 10 years ago at V*DS n i can say dat it was love at first sight for me. We are entering our 5th year of marriage dis year n i'm so blessed to have Mr A in my life. Whatever happens, he will always be there for me. He's right next to me each night before i close my eyes and each morning when i open my eyes. We've gone through a lot over d past years. There were happy times n there were tough times. He is my best friend n my soul mate. No one knows me better than he does.

Eventhough we are going through a tough time, he will try his very best to make things happen for d family. His motto is to live life to d fullest day by day. Often i worry about d future (our future) but he will always tell me not worry bcoz we will go through it together when it comes.

The most precious 'things' dat we have right now are our two jedis, Luq n Leia. InsyaAllah things will be better for our family from today onwards as Mr A will be starting a whole new journey. I love him to bits n only wish him d best in life coz what's best for him is best for d family too.

My 2010 resolutions

Why set resolutions if u can't accomplish them by end of d year? Each year i would set resolutions but by end of d year, i don't ususally accomplish all. Hence, i will bring them forward to d following year and every year will be d same. So dis year i'm going to be more realistic n will only set resolutions which i MUST accomplish by end of d year. InsyaAllah.

1. To lose weight. My weight should be at least 45kg by June 2010 (i'll write about my diet journey in another entry)

2. I want to keep my hair long again. Therefore, i won't be going to d hair salon to cut my hair anymore until end of dis year. Boleh kah? We'll see. I juz miss having long hair. I think d last time i kept my hair long was 2007!

Picture taken Sept '07

I don't think my resolutions dis year are hard to accomplish ;)

Bring it on!

In a few hours 2009 will be leaving us. Despite going through a challenging year, i feel a bit sad now dat it's coming to an end. 2009 has taught me a lot about life, love & friendship. It has also made me stronger and now i'm ready for new challenges ahead. Bring it on 2010. Let's see what u've got!

Tough times calls for tough decisions

Today marks the 10thh month of me being a SAHM. I never knew i would last dis long. Being a SAHM does not only mean dat i get to stay at home and do nothing but i stay at home and do everything. It was not juz an overnight decision and it was not easy as well. There were a lot of things dat me n Mr A had to think and discusss before i decided i want to quit my job and look after our Luq n Leia at home.

During my confinement with Leia, i was already planning to look for another job as my previous company dat i've worked for 8+ yrs was not giving me any benefits dat i could share with my family. Salary was so- so, eventhough i worked like a 'dog', no medical benefits (only for staff) and no maternity coverage. The only thing which made me loyal to d company was d friends i've made throughout d years n d E*OS allocation dat i got.

We went through a really tough time last year. Mr A lost his job somewhere in April 08 bcoz d company he was working for closed down. The company didn't even pay his last 3 mths salary and never contributed to EPF. On top of dat, i was pregnant with Leia and at that time we (me, Mr A n Luq) were still staying with my mom in my tiny room. With a baby coming along, we need to have our own place. Mr A was out of job for 8 months until he got a call from his former client offering him a job in A*catel. Eventhough it was only a contract for service job (when d job's done, d contract's terminated) but bcoz of d huge salary jump he decided to accept the offer and at the same time still look for a permanent job.

With Mr A starting to adapt to a new working environment, i juz couldn't do d same. What if i too, found a new job and we both had to work late? Who will fetch d kids from d babysitter as we only have 1 car? At the same time, my babysitter was also starting to slack. She was having personal problems which affected us as well.

My babysitter took care of Luq since he was 3mo and we were quite happy with her coz she took care of Luq as if he was her own son. But a few months before Leia was born, things were not d same anymore. She will always ask for advanced payment eventhough we always pay her on time and on top of dat she still borrowed money from us, saying dat she had to pay her hse rent, pay her mom's medical bills, no money to buy rice, etc. Her face was always gloomy and sometimes she'd cry when telling us her problems. We juz couldn't leave our kids with someone who we couldn't trust anymore. What if she had neglected our kids? Alhamdulillah x pernah jadi apa2.

That was when it hit me! I would give up everything juz to take care of my own children. With 2009 being d last year to exercise my E*OS, we will survive with only 1 income for d family, at least enough for a year. So, i tendered my resignation notice and 20.02.09 was my last day at work. The E*OS money was actually enough for us to put a down payment for a hse but with me not working anymore, we had to settle as many debts as we can (especially d ones under my name) and would also need to save at least some money for 'rainy days'.

I dare those who says being a SAHM was easy to give it a try. It was difficult at first, trying to juggle with d kids and also hse chores, without any help. I had to set a time to bathe, feed and put them to sleep and at d same time do d laudry, clean d hse and cook. There were times that i would juz lock myself in d room coz i couldn't stand d kids being so noisy but there were definitely happy times as well. Being at home, i get to see my kids 24/7 and watch them grow. Especially Leia. I get to see her developments from a little baby who didn't know anything and now she's already walking and will become a toddler soon. And Luq, i've watched him matured to being a big brother who i can always count on to help me watch over her little sister and he's been my best friend who i talk, play n quarrel with everyday.

I also learned how to cook, which is something i NEVER imagined i could do. Yelah. Dulu tinggal ngan mama nak makan apa ckp jer. Hehe. I also successfully toilet trained Luq before he turned 3yo, which i considered 1 of my biggest achievements so far :)

Things were doing great until July came and Mr A received a notice saying dat his contract would end by 1st September. At that time i was starting to panic bcoz our savings were going low and we were going to spend Eid in Indo. We knew dat it was impossible for him to get a new job by d time we came back. I even asked him if he wanted me to start looking for a job but he asked me to wait and not panic.

Four months hv passed and Mr A has yet to get a permanent job. However, he's not just sitting at home and doing nothing. Bills need to be paid and there's a family to feed. Eventhough we are actually kinda broke, Mr A still tries his best to fulfill my social activities (bday parties n outings). Now dat Leia is 13mo, i am seriously thinking of going back to work next year. We had our plans but sadly it is not going as well as we planned. Sometimes it makes me sad not to be able to throw a bday party for Luq n Leia or buy nice clothes, shoes n toys for them. But when i think again, i have given them something that no money in this world could ever buy, which is TIME. Unconditional love, 24/7. It will be very difficult for me to leave Luq n Leia but when d time comes, i hope i will be strong and so will they.

2010 is juz around d corner and we'll see how it goes but we're praying hard it will be a BETTER year. For all of us. InsyaAllah.